The Journey of 1000 MILES!

Hi Friends!

So I’m not much for writing posts on here as I’m much more of a podcast-y type person, so drink it in! This is a rare event! Instapaper this immediately and file it because this may not happen again for a long time. 

So birthdays are good times for life reflection right? That’s what they tell me. I guess I will. Let me give it a ponder…

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whoa. (where’s Keanu when you need him?)

Seriously though, I am just bowled over sometimes when I look at the arc of my life. If I look at some of the changes I’ve made and the things that I’ve done that would have scared the shit out of me when I was younger I can say this for sure…this is nothing like what I expected.

I grew up with the pretty standard of view of my future…I’d probably go to college and get a job, maybe find a woman to marry, have some kids, go have Christmas with my parents every year, try to advance in a career and get rich, retire when I’m in my sixties and try to hope it was all the right thing to do as my youth and vigor disappear into the end. 

Oh how things have changed. 

So I didn’t finish college, don’t have a girlfriend, have no intention of having kids (although I’m not closed to the idea), don’t have a relationship my parents, make my own career, and don’t care about being rich as long as I have enough money to get a bit beyond paycheck-to-paycheck. Also, I live in China. Not exactly what I had planned.

So much of this change has derived, fundamentally, from one particular attitude. My thoughts and feelings are allowed. 

My thoughts and feelings are welcomed. My thoughts and feelings are required. 

In Christianity, your thoughts and feelings are allowed, as long as your don’t think scientifically or logically.

In Statism, your thoughts and feelings are allowed, as long as you don’t question the roots of violence in society. 

In (most) families, your thoughts and feelings are allowed, as long as you don’t question the bigotries of the people who happened to give birth to you. 

In Culture, your thoughts as feelings are allowed, as long as you love your country or people.

In School, your thoughts and feelings are allowed, as long as your don’t think critically and only accept the conclusions that are being told to you. 

In myself, my thoughts and feelings are allowed, as long as they exist at all. 

It is a long and difficult process to escape the pressure from all of these institutions and recognize your own true opinions, thoughts and feelings. I experienced a big steamy vat of “don’t think” my entire childhood. I’m not going to be able to turn that in a few therapy sessions, so hey, I’m recognizing that making your thoughts and feelings an acceptable part of your day to day life doesn’t happen with a snap of your fingers. There’s my caveat! I put it in! See? Okay no complaining that I’m making too many generalizations from this point on, k? Great. 

Now that I’ve been through about five years of really trying to listen to what I actually think and not just reacting to the fucked up, irrational, biggoted, and fundamentally unsympathetic parents, teachers and peers of my past, well, I finally am starting to know who I am.

Self-Identity is incredibly hard to find when it is never accepted in childhood. It’s even harder when the models of a healthy human being are practically non-existent. What do you do when you look around and see so much trauma and falseness? Yet, as I’ve finally, finally, started to listen and love my own inner world, I see my personality blooming.

I feel my love of knowledge returning to me like never before.

I am finding my sense of humor again, and seeing how it has uniquely developed and is ever changing.

I am learning that I feel deeply, and that my passion for life can be infectious around others. 

I’m learning to release the controls and trust my instincts. These instincts are no longer treated with disdain if they don’t jive with my culture, government or parents. Instead they are welcomed with curiosity, but even more fundamentally with love.

I know that this might sound like a weird concept, but imagine that you are in the early stages of a romantic relationship with a partner who inspires you more than anyone else. When they start to share their thoughts, feelings, preferences or suggestions, don’t you put all your energy into listening to it? Don’t you feel excited to find out what makes them tick? Don’t you feel it in your chest that you want her to understand that you care so much? Why should this be any different with your own thoughts and feelings?

That’s what I’m talking about. When my thoughts and feelings start to make themselves heard, this is how I feel about it. I feel like they are that new relationship with a fantastic person. I want them to feel like they could tell me anything and it will be received with a smile. It has taken some time for these parts to earn my trust, but now that they are understanding that I’ll treat them kindly there is a shift in how my whole system functions. Their strength becomes my strength, their thoughts become my considerations, their humor brings more joy, and it all compounds on itself.

Imagine that you were in a room with vicious attack dogs standing outside for years. You can’t escape, so it just becomes like a prison. You stew in your frustration over this for years, but you don’t forget who you are. Then imagine someone comes by and says “I’ve gotten ride of the attack dogs, I’m so sorry they were there for so many years. You deserve to be heard now more than ever before, so I’m here to hear your story”.

Wouldn’t you just want to share everything and revel in your new freedom? You would finally be able to relax and settle into what you love. Other people would start hearing of this new freedom and they would leave their rooms, and suddenly you’d realize you were in a mansion of locked rooms and all of these personalities would start flowing out. It would become a great house party!

This is what I’ve worked so hard for. On my 24th birthday I can be proud to say that through love, empathy, truth, reason and philosophy and not through violence, manipulation, deceit, and bigotry, I have discovered the growth of MY identity. Now I can interact with the world as I truly am, and not as a reflection of past abuse. Sure, the ghosts of my past reveal their ugliness from time to time, but that’s just another chance to live with love and welcome their experience.  

So this attitude worked. My thoughts and feelings are allowed. The best part about this is that the more I allow my own thoughts and feelings, the more I listen and want to hear about the thoughts and feelings of others. So, as naturally as a rock falls down a hill, great relationships have followed this work. My friends now are some of the most amazing people I can imagine. I feel honored to know them, and I could not love them without loving me first. 

So how about that, it was all about the love :-)